Monthly Archives: August 2007

Review Singles Weekend with Fastdate at Shumba Valley Lodge

Posted by on August 30, 2007 No comments

Shumba Valley LodgeLast weekend I attended the first Fast Break event with Fastdate. This is a weekend away for singles. By the way I detest the word “singles” (it stinks of desperation and I prefer “unmarried”). The idea is simple: a group single people (about 16 men/women) go away for a weekend trip filled with activities. My role was to give a talk on “Dating in the 21st Century” on the Saturday. This talk will shortly be available as an ebook I’m working on called Social or Single.

Table and CupboardI decided not to go through on the Friday evening because I was putting the finishing touches on the presentation/talk and instead arrived on the Saturday late morning. Shumba Valley Lodge, where the group was spending the weekend, is a beautiful place. And I highly recommend it. It’s located down the road from the Cradle of Humankind, a very famous World Heritage site in South Africa. This was where things first went wrong as I had prepared my talk for 12 and instead we rushed off to the restaurant The Cradle, that was supposedly closing at 1pm. After the lunch it was suggested we should all rest for a while and my talk would take place at 5pm.

BedsWell it turns out there was some heavy drinking the Friday evening. This type of behaviour is expected but should not be encouraged. People attended this event for a reason: meeting people from the opposite sex and see if there is chemistry. When the organisers are drinking more than the guests, it’s alarming. One of my beliefs is that alcohol abuse comes from deep embarrassment, anger with the world and frustration with your circumstances. How do I know this? My own dad has been an alcoholic most of his life and he is a very bitter and angry man. So this drinking binge may seem acceptable under the circumstances when in fact it does not help anyone overcome fears or social anxiety – which could be seen as the hidden purpose of these singles weekends.

BathroomWhen 5pm arrived half the people where missing or had left including the organisers. They seemed the least interested in what I had to say to their guests who had paid good money to attend this event. And so I was on the verge of leaving when one of the guys persuaded me to stay and give me talk informally. I had my laptop and was planning a presentation but maybe this impromptu speech was better. I shared my ideas with them on what I see as the major challenges in the 21st century in dating and how to improve their success.

Anyway I stayed the evening and we later on had dinner. There was an astronomer who entertained us with informative discussion on the stars, the planets and funny anecdotes. And so we did a bit of star gazing through his telescope. (note to self – buy one of those gadgets) In general the people were good company and I’m sure I’ve made some business contacts with the guys. The one woman I was interested in left earlier on the Saturday.

My overall my impression of these Fastdate events are bad. They are poorly organised. The organised are disinterested in really helping people connect. And they are more interested in their own dating and relations or lack thereof. So be cautioned and avoid them. Instead I recommend you explore SMARTdate, which has much more integrity in their events and services they render.

When and how to Kiss a Woman

Posted by on August 29, 2007 No comments

http://www.kissingtips.com/On Sunday I was out for the first time in a very long time at the weekly stand-up comedy at Cool Runnings in Melville, hosted by John Vlismas and the indomitable team from Whacked Management. This is an awesome place to take a woman after you’ve first met her on a date. There is nothing better than laughing to get your emotions spiking naturally and your brain releasing the right mixture of chemicals and endorphins.

The more I listen to him, the more I realise the genius of Richard Bandler, when he teaches that you make good decisions when you feel good and that your own internal state determines how people respond to you. So stand-up comedy helps to make a woman feel good when she’s with you, those good feelings become linked to you. And the beauty of going to events like this is that you do not have to funny yourself. Simply relax, enjoy and have a good laugh with her and everyone else.

Anyway onto kissing. I made small mistake this time around as I waited almost toward the end of the evening to kiss her. We were inside during the comedy show and afterwards went around the corner to Cat’s Pajamas for coffee. Throughout the evening there was excellent eye contact, a sort of dance between my eyes and her eyes. And every now and then I touched her, played with her hair, her scarf, etc. This is a fundamental sign that a woman is comfortable with you i.e. when she allows you to play with her hair.

As we left Cat’s Pajamas the best place to kiss her could have been just before we left the building, downstairs, where it was private and discreet. Secondly I could have kissed her before we left Cool Runnings, after the immediate high from the stand-up comedy. Instead I walked her to her car, and as I said, for me it was damn cold, and that is not the best internal state to be in when trying to escalate physically with a woman. I pulled her close and kissed her gently. Not the kind of french kissing I wrote about here but a few short pecs on the lips. I let her go and pulled her back again and she responded. The timing just wasn’t the best and the place wasn’t the best.

As a man you should avoid the above mistake wherever you can. Ensure that you physically escalate throughout the evening. Never leave the kiss to come as a surprise right and the end of the evening. And if you ever dropping a woman off, unless you are already dating, forget about kissing her before she gets out of the car. She may offer a hug and you’ll know that you screwed up your chances earlier in the evening. The principle is really to kiss her when you are feeling the best inside, because you will be naturally confident as you lean over or pull her into you for that awesome smooch on-top of her smile.

Maybe Jason Bourne is better than James Bond

Posted by on August 27, 2007 2 comments

Matt Damon as Jason BourneJust came back from watching the awesome Bourne Ultimatum. Matt Damon really kicks some solid ass in this film like he did in the previous ones. Bourne is tortured by memory loss and is on a mission to find out where it all began.

This got me think about Jason Bourne vs James Bond as a spy but more so as a male role model. It’s been said other than their initials they do not have much in common. Jason Bourne is edgy, vulnerable and tortured while James Bond is smooth, droll, conscience-free. Bourne is stalked by the loss of his girlfriend in the Bourne Supremacy while James Bond is the ultimate player and womaniser. For a brief moment it seemed like Bourne was going to hook-up with Nicky Parsons (Julia Stiles). But he sent her on her on way as he continued to go for broke trying to find out his origins.

In terms of raw energy Jason Bourne is the more pragmatic of the two spies. James Bond relies so much on gadgets to accomplish what he needs to do. I do accept that Daniel Craig is likely the only actor to play Bond that could be superior in ass kicking than Matt Damon‘s Bourne. So while James Bond relies on his charm, Bourne could be enormously attractive to women because of his single minded conviction while showing compassion when you least expect it.

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The Single Life or the Social Life

Posted by on August 24, 2007 1 comment

Before you can even begin to think about how to improve your dating, relationships and social life I ask you answer the following question as truthfully as you can:

On a scale from 1 to 10…how much do you like or love yourself?

If this number is less than 5 we have a serious problem. I mean, think about it, if you don’t like yourself, how can you expect someone else to like you? One of the biggest myths in relationships is that when I find a new girlfriend, boyfriend, a partner or soul mate they will complete me.

I suggest you consider the following concept: how much other people like or love you is directly proportional to how much you like or love yourself. And if you can imagine being a cup that overflows with love, than you have more to share with other people. If you are empty inside and you don’t enjoy your life, you do not have much to share. In fact you will be in ?wanting mode? because you do not understand how by giving you can receive pleasure. And ultimately your vitality in life is also directly proportional to your vision, which links back to your experience.

Have you ever wondered why most people are just talking about work? It’s simply because they do not make time for anything else. I promise you that nobody when they are growing up dreams of work, work and more work. You may dream of meeting interesting people, travelling the world, or achieving different kinds of personal successes. There is a common misconception that we are searching for meaning in our lives. The great philosopher, Joseph Campbell, the expert on myth, said, meaning is an intellectual construct, it’s in our heads. Instead what we are truly seeking is the feeling of being alive.

This is one of the fundamental reasons there has been such a dramatic rise in the drug abuse culture alongside the rise of television. Television must be the worst invention in the history of humankind when it comes to what makes people feel lonely. You see it entertains you and at the same time it programs you into complacency. And this is very, very real indeed. I highly recommend you read the articles on the Steve Pavlina’s blog about Giving Up TV.

Now I’ve met some people who swear that they are happy being single. They often insist that they are not looking and they are not desperate. And I’ve noticed a slight frustration in their voices or their body language. They are not convincing to me. You see there’s absolutely nothing wrong when it comes to looking for love. Imagine if you lost your job or quit your job…how long would it take for you to start looking for a new one? Almost immediately and you would speak to whomever it takes to help you find a job. You would be open to it. And so I encourage you to open to a increased social life. The reason is simple. Scientist have found that the people who most frequently refer us to new jobs or introduce us to potential dating partners or spouses, is NOT our best friends or family. As it turns out it’s weak social connections or as they are more commonly known, our acquaintances. So the theory goes, the larger the number of weak social connections you have, the more your increase your chances of social interaction that leads you to finding and meeting the kind of people you ideally want to meet. This goes hand-in-hand with increased confidence in social scenarios.

You see the single life is really not the ideal life style. It stinks of loneliness and desperation. I refuse to tell people I’m single. Instead I refer to myself as simple unmarried. And yes, I’m still looking for love.

Want a second date? Pay for the first – NOT!

Posted by on August 23, 2007 1 comment

The Professor of Poon, Tom Leykis, brought this article to my attention from a recent show. The author of the article starts out by saying how the deal was sealed when she went on a date and at the end of the dinner, her future husband, didn’t hesitate to pay for the dinner. The author even calls herself a hypocrite because she is a feminist and she is still getting her way with her man. Isn’t feminism supposed to be about equality? Without rehashing the whole story I would like to point how you can indeed get away without paying for the first date.

Try some of the following suggestions if you don’t want to pay for the 1st “date”…

  • Don’t call it a date – just hang out
  • Invite women over to your house to enjoy a bottle of wine
  • Meet them at the flea market and go looking for a hard to find gift
  • Meet them at a park/lake/beach and go for a walk
  • Take them to the opening of an art gallery (usually free with champagne/snacks)

You can get more ideas for cheap dates here. Let me elaborate further. Paying has nothing to do with getting laid. And all women know guys are just trying to get laid. In fact it’s in our evolutionary biology that we cannot fall in love with a women, want friendship/companionship or bonding unless we are physically attracted to you – and that also means – want to have sex with you. An old friend of mine always says women give men sex in exchange for love; and men give women love in exchange for sex. Sometimes reality is harsh but it’s still reality.

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Leykis 101 – Never Date Single Mothers

Posted by on August 22, 2007 1 comment

Tom Leykis 101People are usually pissed off by this one. I also have personal experience with dating single mothers and these days I avoid them completely. Suffice it to say I have been there, tried it, and found it does not work for me.

Here’s the Leykis 101 rule on why you should never date single mothers.

Why? You already know their stance on abortion: they won’t have one. Don’t risk paying vaginamony or child support. Her kids will always be #1 in her life, and do you really want to take second-place to a woman? I didn’t think so. Why support another man’s mistake? How do you know she’s not looking for a support figure? Or someone to support her financially? Think of all that, and realize that the odds are stacked against you. She’s already had one mistake. She won’t go for the Hail Mary (more on that below). The last guy didn’t stick around. Why should you?

This isn’t to say that some of them aren’t very nice, have been screwed over by ex-husbands, or would be very great mates. But if you’re just looking to get laid, they are a definite off-limits. More than likely, you’re hooking up with a girl who wants another try at something she messed up the first time. With the hostility of today’s legal system towards men, you just don’t want to take the chance.

Leykis insists that some men have been ordered by the courts to pay child support to their former wives, even though they were not the biological father of her children. This, he asserts, financially ruins the men for many years making them unable to start a new life with another woman or enjoy the money they earn.

More on Tenets of Leykis 101 and download audios of past Tom Leykis shows here.

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Speed Dating 101

Posted by on August 14, 2007 1 comment

Here’s an excellent video clip from Youtube on Speed Dating. If you want some help improving your success in speed dating download my new ebook, The ABC’s of Speed Dating.

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The question is: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Posted by on August 13, 2007 1 comment

* PLATO: For the greater good.

* ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

* SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

* MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: … I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.

* FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

* GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

* DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

* EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

* BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

* ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To lay. In the hay.

* RAY McCAULEY: Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it, “the other side.? Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

* NELSON MANDELA: Never again, will the chicken be questioned for crossing the road. This is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.

* THABO MBEKI: We need to establish if really there is a connection between the chicken and the road.

* ROBERT MUGABE: For all of these years the road has been owned by the white farmers, the poor underprivileged chicken has waited too long for that road to be given to him and now he is crossing it in force with his fellow war veteran chickens. We intend taking over this road and giving it to the roadless chickens so that they can cross it without fear of retribution from Britain who promised money to institute road reform. We will not stop until all roadless chickens have roads to cross and the freedom to cross them.

* ISAAC NEWTON: Any chicken in the universe shall always cross a road perpendicularly to the side of the road, and in an infinitely long straight line at uniform speed, unless the chicken stops due to an unbalanced reactive force in the opposite direction of the chicken’s motion

20 Dates for under R100

Posted by on August 6, 2007 1 comment

Tom Leykis, one of my favourite radio DJs, whom I listen to online, brought this story from Hitched Mag to my attention. Now it originally reads 20 Dates For Under $20 but since I live in South Africa I’ve adapted it to a realistic R100. Just by the way I highly recommend the movie 20 Dates for how NOT to go about dating women.

  1. Find the best happy hour in town: Look through your local newspaper or search online for websites that list happy hour prices for local restaurants and bars. Most places offer food and drink specials at half the normal price, allowing you to get two drinks and share an appetizer for less than R100.
  2. Go to a museum: Most museums are free or offer free entry on certain days of the month. I also highly recommend art galleries.
  3. Visit your local zoo: Most zoos offer adult tickets for less than R50. Pack your own snacks and bottled water and have a mini picnic by your favourite exhibit. Joburg Zoo offers annual passes for R220.
  4. Go on a romantic hike: Bring a backpack and surprise your partner with your favourite bottle of cheap champagne, strawberries and plastic champagne flutes. The Suikerbosrand Nature Reserve, south of Johannesburg entrance fee is only R20 per person.
  5. Go swimming at your local pool, lake or the beach: Bring some water toys and have more fun than the kids. This is a great suggestion because so few people seem to go to swimming pools any more.
  6. Beat the heat with an ice cream date: Take two scoops to the park or take a walk downtown and go people watching.
  7. Get an Edgars Card to Pay Half Price @ Movies: South Africa doesn’t have a lot of choice in cinemas unlike America. Pick a rainy day and have a movie marathon.
  8. Take a downtown walking tour of your town or nearest city: You?ll have fun discovering things and places you never knew existed. You can also pick up a free visitors guide for ideas. I once took an ex-girlfriend from Cape Town to Hillbrow at 2am to get some Nandos.
  9. Throw a cheap picnic: Go on a picnic at the beach, mountains or in your own back yard. Grab a blanket, pack a deli sandwich and a bottle of R20 wine (Douglas Green St Clare, St Anna, St Vincent or St Morand).
  10. Take a blanket to the beach: Split your budget between a bottle of wine and cheese then enjoy the sunset while you snuggle on the blanket.
  11. Take a stroll through the botanical gardens: Spend the day walking through rose gardens and tropical rain forests hand in hand for less than R100 a ticket. Joburg Botanical Gardens by Emmerentia Dam is free and I’ve been there many times. Start from the bottom of the Rose garden and walk up, stop after each section, sit down, enjoy the view and kiss your girlfriend. Also try National Zoological Garden in Pretoria and Kirstenbosch in Cape Town.
  12. Be a kid again: Go bowling, play miniature golf (putt putt), ride go-carts or play laser tag.
  13. Build a bonfire: All you need is some firewood, snacks and a drink of your choice. This is also a great opportunity for roasted marshmallows.
  14. Rent something: Go roller- or ice-skating, or rent a two-seater bike and ride through the park. Cape Town ice rink here and in Joburg go to Northgate.
  15. Paint pottery together: Lots of studios let you get creative for around R25 an hour. Go here for ceramic, pottery and fabric painting information.
  16. Pitch a tent: Park fees are usually between R30-R60, which leaves money for food and wood. Go camping and roast hot dogs as you gaze at the stars.
  17. Go wine tasting: Many wineries charge around R15-R30 for a tasting?plus, you?ll get to keep the glass as a souvenir of your date.
  18. Take a scenic drive: Pull over to have coffee and dessert at a nice caf?. In Johannesburg and Cape Town there are several locations with stunning views of the city below. You can find them on your own or just email me for the directions.
  19. Spend the night walking through the shops and enjoying the local artists: Lots of cities have art walks one night a month during the summer. Most galleries even offer a free glass of wine to art-walk goers in order to attract them.
  20. Rack ?em up at you local pool joint: With pool games costing R2 at certain venues, you might even have money left over to share a pitcher of beer.

Any more suggestions?

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