Monthly Archives: May 2005

Checking on online daters a growing issue

Posted by on May 26, 2005 No comments

NEW YORK – A fast-growing online dating service in Texas says it is offering its users something none of its big competitors can match: a safer date.

True.com, which was founded in Dallas last year, says it now has 3 million active members who agree to have criminal background checks done on themselves and their potential dates.

But Herb Vest, 60, the founder and chief executive of True.com, said that he isn’t satisfied with business success alone. He is lobbying state legislators to change the law so that online dating services must inform their clients whether or not they run background checks.

“We believe it’s our mission to end the divorce rate in the U.S., so we have to provide a wholesome environment,” said Vest, whose lobbying has led to proposed bills in Ohio, Michigan, Virginia, Florida and California.

If the legislation goes through, “you would see companies that offer online dating services would quickly start running background checks,” said Ohio state Rep. W. Scott Oelslager, a supporter of the bill. None of the six states has passed the legislation yet.

But critics say that True.com is preying on unsubstantiated fears that online dating is less safe than regular dating, presenting background checks as a panacea even though they are a flawed measure of criminal activity, demonizing the former prisoner population and working to legislate its business model to gain an edge over its competition.

Match.com, a division of the Internet giant InterActiveCorp, which has 18 million online dating members, surveyed its clients and found that 80 percent did not favor the legislation. “We’re not in the business of legislating love,” said Kristin S. Kelly, a senior director of public relations at Match.com.

Criminal background checks “might give someone a false sense of security,” said Gregg McCrary, a retired FBI profiler. “Only the FBI and other law enforcement have access to federal records,” McCrary said. “States don’t provide complete data.”

“I can’t imagine anyone in this day and age would go online assuming any level of safety, because it just doesn’t exist,” said Laura Daniels, an executive recruiter based in Forth Worth, Texas, who regularly runs background checks on her clients for employment purposes. “From my own professional experience, background checks aren’t accurate unless you go back 10 years and to different states, and still you can’t gather complete information.”

But proponents of the legislation say they are not looking for a guarantee of safety.

“The background checks won’t be 100 percent effective, but if they’re 50 percent effective, then that’s better than nothing,” said Jayne Hitchcock, the president of Working to Halt Online Abuse, a nonprofit group that monitors online harassment. WHOA said it works to empower victims and educate online users and law-enforcement personnel.

“This year so far we’ve received half a dozen complaints of harassment from people who met through an online dating service,” Hitchcock said. The highest number of complaints came from people who met through an online bidding service, in which the seller or buyer filed a harassment complaint, Hitchcock said.

According to statistics posted on WHOA’s Web site, more than half of self-reported complaints of harassment began either through an e-mail correspondence or from an Internet message board. “We don’t have it broken down by online dating,” Hitchcock said.

Others argue for some kind of regulation, particularly with regard to sex offenders. “Sexual predators will use any means possible to obtain victims,” said McCrary, the retired FBI profiler.

“More than 90 percent of sex offenders we monitor are getting in these online dating services,” said Grace Davis, the lead trainer at IPPC, an Internet and computer-monitoring system used by probation, parole and pretrial services.

IPPC monitored computer usage of sex offenders who were under a court order. Davis declined to give the total number of sex offenders monitored through IPPC.

Meanwhile, defenders of an unregulated online dating scene say this is much ado about nothing.

“I would say there are more safety issues when you meet people in bars,” said Daniels, who has been a member of Match.com for two years. “Or if I go to a mixer or a church singles group. I just have no expectation that any one group has a safer background than another.”

What’s more, advocates of ex-convicts’ rights say that the proposed legislation surrounding background checks is discriminatory.

“I think that’s another form of discrimination,” said Jason Bell, 33, who served 91/2 years in prison for an attempted murder conviction when he was 20.

Bell now works at Project Rebound, a program at San Francisco State University that helps former convicts attend college.

Bell has gone through the program and expects to graduate with a bachelor’s degree in sociology this spring.

“Unfortunately, it’s absolutely true” that the legislation “is discriminatory against criminals,” said Vest of True.com, whose father was killed during a crime. “But if that hurts their feelings, it doesn’t bother me a bit.”

Critics also pointed to a glitch. If the law were passed in one state and not another, how would that affect daters? “We have to work out these mechanics,” Oelslager said.

Some online startups – such as trustadate.com and safedate.com – are providing customers with the option of running a criminal background check on a potential date for a small fee.

“You can request someone to become a safe dater,” said Jeff Collins, 43, the chief executive of Safe Date and Integrated Screening Partners in Austin, Texas, which has provided background checks for employers for 11 years. “‘I’d like to meet you but I’m a single mom, so would you go through the process.”‘

Some regular users, though, don’t like the attention at all – particularly from the government. “Online dating is just a goofy way to meet people,” said Daniels, the Match.com user. “And the legislature has no business in my dating life.”

source: Columbia News Service/Journal Now

How to create good first impressions during Speed Dating

Posted by on May 23, 2005 No comments

Obviously, physical appearance is important, especially on the dating scene. But, it dawned on me after the first few episodes of Show Me the Mommy? that we forget the real reason that physical appearance is important. The outer package tells us about the inner person.

Looking Good

On a speed date, physical appearance acts as shorthand to your personality. People are more drawn to you if you look like you take care of yourself. The reasoning is that you treat others the way you treat yourself. So make sure, especially, that your nails and hair are clean, and that you smell good.

The Scent of Love?

Deodorant and perfume are perfect examples of how to reveal the inner you. It is said that a perfume you cannot smell is perfect for you because it blends into, and thus compliments, your natural body odour. By choosing a certain perfume, you are choosing a certain identity. A sweet scent suggests innocence, while a more musky scent suggests a stronger personality.

Fashion Right

Dress is perhaps the most important indicator of your personality. The way you dress alerts your date to superficial things like social status. A lawyer dresses differently to a student. Dress is highly sensitive to fashion. That doesn’t mean becoming a fashion slave, but remember that your date’s taste is probably steered by what parades through the pages of fashion magazines.

Dress can also tell more personal things about you. The key is in the detail. An unusual belt may suggest a more unusual personality. Before the speed dating evening, choose at least one item of clothing or jewelery with personal meaning. You’ll feel special wearing the item, and that will come across in your behaviour.

Ultimately, wear something that looks smart, but that you feel comfortable in. The more comfortable you feel, the more comfortable you will look. Speed dating events can be fairly nerve-wracking. When you are nervous, it is not that easy to ‘be yourself’. Dressing in a way that represents your personality, cuts out half the work.

Remember that Smile

When you are nervous, it is all too easy to forget the most important detail. But don’t forget to smile. Smiling triggers the release of hormones that make you feel happy. That doesn’t include the mutant, strained smile that is born out of stressful situations, but a genuine smile.

Be Real

Speed dating is all about meeting people we feel a connection with, and that we feel comfortable with. It is all too easy to lie and pretend to be what you feel your date may be looking for. But, that also means you might get stuck on a longer date with someone you have nothing in common with. Let your appearance tell the story, and don’t be afraid to embrace the cliche be yourself.

Speed Dating and Body Language

Posted by on May 9, 2005 No comments

Humans are remarkably similar to animals. Despite the faculty of speech, most human communication occurs through body language. And now speed dating, like animal courtship, allows you the chance to choose a partner based on a short period of strutting and posing. Your date is not going to jump into your lap and pull ticks out of your hair, so you need to learn how send and receive the subtleties of body language.

Your date likes you if:
-he smiles at you. A ‘true’ smile is one which changes rapidly from a small movement to a broad expression, and crinkles the corners of the eyes.
-his pupils dilate.
-his eyebrows rise and fall as soon as he sees you.
-he maintains eye contact. But, if, at some point in the conversation, he drops his gaze to look downwards, it means he feels comfortable with you.
-he mirrors your body language. We subconsciously imitate people we like, even to the point of speaking like them.
-his legs are pointed in your direction.

If you like your date, then:
-smile.
-don’t fidget or cross your arms. This will tell him that you feel uncomfortable in his presence.
-during the course of the conversation, lean forward. But respect his personal space. To lean forward too early into the date is threatening. If he leans forward too, you know the feeling is mutual, but if he sits back, retreat!
-don’t touch him. In a relationship of only 3 minutes, touching is uncalled for.
-look at him while he is speaking, but don’t stare. Lean your head to one side you show you are interested.
-mirror his behaviour, but not to the point that you look as though you are making fun of him.
-flick your hair, gently and sparingly.

There are unfortunately shady characters out there. So beware if:
-he won’t make eye contact with you. It’s widely believed that to look left while speaking indicates the person is lying.
-he fidgets and crosses his arms. He is obviously uncomfortable around you. It may just be the case that he is shy, but do you really want to spend valuable time trying to get through to the ‘inner him’?
-he leans too far into your personal space or tries to touch you.
-his gestures are wide and aggressive. Pointing, raising his voice and sudden movements are all aggressive.
-if his body tells you one thing, but his speech tells you another. Body language is generally taken to be more revealing, because it is largely unconscious.

But bear in mind that when a dog wags his tail, it means he’s happy. When a cat wags his tail, beware. Every person is different. Don’t base your diagnosis on one signal, but rather on a few supporting ones. And trust your instincts. It’s a cliché, but a true one.

Download my Speed Dating ebook here.