Monthly Archives: April 2005

Research and the Realities of Internet Dating

Posted by on April 18, 2005 No comments

By Pam Wolstenholme

Mention Internet dating in conversation, and you will get varied reactions. Visions of meeting desperate women who can’t seem to meet and keep a man are common. Questions of why people would choose to meet an assortment of dirty old men looking for sex or stalkers searching for their next victim are frequent.

But just like the old wives tales that masturbating will make you blind and carrots will make you able to see in the dark, the stigma attached to Internet dating is old fashioned, outdated and fast becoming a mindset of the past. Research conducted last year by NETucation and Ramon Thomas (the publisher of this site), confirms that people using Internet dating are not the social outcasts many people in South Africa believe them to be.

It is in fact quite the opposite. Some quarter of a million people have tried Internet dating and this number is growing fast. Internet dating has become a reputable way for meeting people with the purpose of developing a relationship – be it a friendship, companionship, love or marriage. Two types of people are using Internet dating. Those who are having fun and trying out new things (mainly the younger 18-24 age group) and those more serious about it and looking to get something out of the process (mainly the older 33-49 age group). Most of people who use Internet dating have tertiary qualifications in IT, finance or admin and are earning over R10 000 a month. It sounds promising. Certainly not the dodgy demographics traditionally associated with online daters.Increasing pressure and workloads on young professionals means less time for meeting partners. People simply do not have the time to go through the traditional courtship process of wining and dining.

Online daters have woken up to this reality and have found Internet dating a suitable alternative. Another reason Internet dating is becoming more popular is people are fast becoming disillusioned with the club and bar scene. Potential partners met in this environment are rarely who they seem to be the night before. Be it the beer-goggles from the night before, or pretence on their behalf, success rates are not good enough. On the other hand, 84% of people using online dating profess to be honest when filling out their profile. Add to these reasons the high divorce rates and you are left with a lot of single people! Single people who are now offered the opportunity of meeting multiple partners and able to choose between them based on concrete knowledge of how well they fit their needs. They have the added benefit of getting to know potential partners before choosing to meet them face-to-face. This gives Internet daters the power of choice – a much sort after quality in today’s world.Internet daters are not a group of socially dysfunctional individuals who hide behind a computer out of sheer desperation for human contact. No. They are young, wealthy and worldly professionals looking for an alternative to the smoky bars and long, drawn out dinners. They are sick of having no time to meet people. They are looking to get to know potential partners first. Trying to prevent hurtling head first into unsuccessful relationships. So the next time you find yourself in conversation about Internet dating and its downfalls, remember this: It is not a question of being desperate. It’s a quick way to meet new people, and the chance to look before you leap.

Opinion: Men vs Women Verdict

Posted by on April 6, 2005 No comments

by Camilla Lloyd

Apparently, I am too late. Everyone has already discovered the coveted secret as to why men don’t understand what women want. “We’re just wired differently,” some friends confided in me, before glibly repeating a list of horrifying stereotypes.

Men are logical, ambitious, independent and unemotional. Women are emotional, irrational, illogical, blah blah blah…

The verdict: men and women are hopelessly incompatible.

Yet, people get married every day, some stay married, and, I have to hope, some even stay happily married.

The verdict: almost hopelessly incompatible. According to the stereotypes, men and women are complete opposites. Yet, studies in gender psychology show that where there are distinct differences in the thought processes of men and women, these differences are in fact only marginal. Men are not naturally better at Maths, nor are women necessarily better able to express their emotions.

The findings of the research consistently report discrepancies between gender roles in different countries, and an increase in gender differences as children reach puberty. The problem isn’t merely that men do not understand what women want, the problem is that they are taught by society not to understand.

The stereotypes I have already listed confirm that there are certain expectations as to how men and women behave. People learn these behaviours, and tend to exaggerate them during social interactions. So not only are men and women different, but we exaggerate our differences. It seems neither gender wants to be understood.

The verdict: hopelessly, frustratingly incompatible.

In the last century or two, relations between men and women have only gotten more confusing. Feminism encourages women to be more ambitious and independent, and to revel in their differences from men. As women become more masculine (and, one would think, more compatible) they become less attractive to men. Being feminine, and thus emotional and illogical, is ideal.

So men don’t understand what women want? Women don’t understand what men want!

The verdict: neither men nor women understand what the other gender wants, so perfectly compatible.

But, what do women want? The short answer is women themselves don’t really know. The long answer is everything and nothing. Women are raised to define themselves by their relationships. So if everyone is happy, women are happy; but if a woman is not happy, no-one is happy. At the risk of perpetuating some damaging stereotypes, women are walking contradictions. Hence, the reputation of irrationality. Women want stability with excitement, security without confinement.

More importantly, women want everything on their own terms. a). Women are never wrong. b). Women are never at fault. c). Men are always to blame.

Now, women know that sometimes they are wrong, that sometimes they are at fault, and that sometimes they are (partly) to blame.

If men want to try and understand women, don’t. Just humour us, and pretend you understand us. We’ll appreciate the gesture. The verdict improves significantly if you do.

Seduced the Greene Way: The Art of Seduction

Posted by on April 6, 2005 No comments

Art of Seduction by Robert Greene

Seduction is an art form not easily mastered. For some, it pays to be sexy and charming. For others, being sincere works wonders. For most, though, there is no secret formula, no magic, one-size-fits-all pick-up line. Instead, we’re told to ‘just be yourself’ and ‘trust that they’ll like you for you’. And Santa Claus really does exist.

For skeptics like myself there is a new and rather compelling answer to this age-old dilemma. With chapters like ‘Choose the Right Victim’ and ‘Send Mixed Signals’, Robert Greene’s ‘The Art of Seduction’ seems like the first book of its kind written in my language. Seduction, according to Greene, doesn’t consist of fanciful ideas like honesty and trust but, instead, strategy. It provides an intriguing look into the human mind, and it isn’t pretty.

Greene speaks of relationships as though they are battles, to be won and lost, he analyses the past conquests of some of the most seductive people in history, interspersing these with details of great generals like Napoleon (Correct me if I’m wrong but, seductive he was not) and his approach to relationships. The book, quite refreshingly, not only discusses manipulation, but actually advocates it! As if one needs more reason to go out and grab this psychological masterpiece.

The book lets us in on the author’s theory of the nine types of lovers, leaving the reader to decipher their own place and category. He points out the strengths of each, encouraging the audience to capitalise on their own mystery or charisma. One can’t help asking though, what of the weaknesses of each? For someone who possesses neither mystery nor charisma (or anything else for that matter), it need only appear that you do. Finally, self-help without any self-righteousness. Shameless.

Greene, whose other books include the ‘48 Laws of Power’, wastes no time in removing the romance from seduction and relationships. His business-like tone may not appeal to everyone and there seems to be very little room for failure within his ‘scheme’. His 24 steps come with pearls of wisdom from the likes of Sigmund Freud and William Shakespeare, the guy who lusted after his mother and the guy who wrote Romeo and Juliet. But maybe it is this very simplistic view of human nature that we need. In the era of Oprah and Sex and the City, maybe all we really need to be told is that the age-old traditions of lying and manipulating really weren’t that bad after all.

I may be wrong but I don’t remember a single use of the word ‘love’ in ‘The Art of Seduction’. The author doesn’t seem to equate one with the other. If seduction is the goal rather than the tool, what happens when it’s over? Perhaps Greene has too many women on his hands to really address this question. I never thought I’d say this, but he may just be too cynical. Still, ‘The Art of Seduction’ is likely to be one of the most provocative and honest books you’ll ever encounter in the genre. I’m off to find me a victim….

How To Look For Love Online

Posted by on April 1, 2005 No comments

NEW YORK, March 31, 2005 – Remember the first time you heard about people meeting online? Maybe you thought “that’s weird” or “wow, times must be really tough.” But today, online dating is socially acceptable and totally mainstream.

Watch the video clip from CBS News

As a matter of fact, 26 million people visit dating sites each month. It’s predicted that consumers will spend over $500 million on online dating services this year.

So in day two of the “Looking for Love” series, The Early Show turns to AOL’s Consumer Adviser Regina Lewis for tips on finding love online.

Lewis says that for many singles, heading online is actually the preferred method of hooking up with potential dates because it offers them more control over their dating lives.

“First, they don’t feel like, ‘Woe is me, I guess it’ll happen when it happens,’” Lewis explains. “Second, they have more control over the screening process. You hold the cards. If you think you’re getting along well with someone, great. If you’re not, you move on. At the risk of sounding businesslike, it can be a lot more productive. That has inherent appeal for a lot of people with busy lives.”

But how many are actually finding love?

Lewis says about half of the people who date online claim to be “serious daters” who are hoping to find a long-term relationship or even a spouse. The other half, are “casual daters,” who simply want to meet more people and have a good time.

While there’s no unbiased, official data detailing relationships forged online, Match.com, the largest dating site, claims that about 200,000 users a year find the relationship they are looking for. Eharmony, another big player in the dating game, reports that so far 4,000 couples have married after meeting on their site.

Here are the newest trends in online dating:

Lewis says perhaps most surprising is the growing number of people over 55 who are giving online dating a try. That’s right, older Americans are the fastest-growing group looking for love on the Internet. Industry analysts say that about 18 percent of those dating online now are over 55.

The other big trend is the growing number of “niche” dating sites. We’re all familiar with the big names – Match.com, Eharmony, Love @AOL – but there are now sites for single Democrats and Republicans, single Jews and Muslims, single bike riders, single pet lovers. You name it, there’s probably a site for it.

With so many sites out there, Lewis offers the following tips on how to get started:

Check Out a Mainstream Site – Larger sites are well-established and have a larger pool of members which ups your chance for meeting a mate. Match.com has the most members. Eharmony is billed as catering to “serious daters” because it has a very comprehensive questionnaire designed to get a good feel for potential users.

Screen Posted Profiles – If you’re not sure which large site to choose, most sites will give you a “trial period” and allow you to screen profiles of other online daters. Compare the profiles and see which site has more of the kinds of people you’d most like to meet. You want to go where you think you’ll feel most comfortable.

Join a Niche Site – Once you’re comfortable with the online dating world, go ahead and join a site that’s tailored to your specific interests and personality. Most serious daters wind up joining a couple of sites – a large, mainstream dating service and a smaller, tailored one. Chances are you’ll find the most success this way.

Note: It will cost you to join most online dating services. Prices run anywhere from $10 to $50 a month. Generally, the longer you participate in the site, the less you’ll pay.

Of course, to really find a successful relationship online there are some “dos” and “don’ts” to follow. Here are Lewis’ suggestions:

DO Use a Great Photo – While you don’t have to be a model, pictures really, really matter. Personals with photos are 10 times more likely to be considered. Use something current, and don’t have anyone else in the shot with you. If you’re truly serious about finding love online, it may even be worthwhile to consider a photo shoot.

DO Be Specific – In your profile, don’t say, “Like sports.” Instead, say: “Enjoy fly fishing and skiing.” This does more than make you stand out. On most sites, users can do searches based on key words. The more specific you are, the more likely you are to come up at the top of search results driven by relevancy.

DO Adjust Your Profile – Face it, your profile is like a marketing campaign. Take a look at what’s working for you and what’s not. Shop the competition, see what attracts you, and steal some tricks of the trade. You should always be changing and updating your online profile.

Believe it or not, you can even hire a specialist to help you hone your profile. There are plenty of businesses out there designed to make your profile shine. They charge anywhere from $30 to $300.

DON’T Seem Desperate – Recognize that seeming over-eager, i.e. E-mailing several times a day or instant messaging on the hour, will make it appear that you’re ready to pick out wedding china and may scare off someone who’s not ready to take the plunge. Don’t lose out on a good thing by making this mistake.

DON’T Lie – If you truly want to find your soul mate online, lying will catch up with you sooner or later. Of course, you need to be aware that other people may be lying to you. Look for clues. Are they from Michigan, but pictured surfing? Are they a senior executive at 28? Sometimes the more clues you have, the more it doesn’t add up.

DON’T Move Too Fast – Relationships that start online tend to move quickly, but moving too quickly can be bad news. The usual sequence is to exchange online communication anonymously, then talk by phone, then agree to meet in a public place – an important safety tip.

Sites like eHarmony have even more sub-stages in place to help guard against fastracking the relationship. If someone is worth the wait, they’ll be there at the end of the sequence. You don’t want to set yourself up, believing that “THIS is your dream guy or girl” too early in the process, only to find they’ve elected to not write you back.

Finally, here are Lewis’ words of advice for those who are frustrated with the online dating process:

“The people I talk to who seem happiest with the process view it all as upside,” she says, “They’re happy to go on three or four dates a week (and that’s not an unusual run rate for people who put a lot of focus into this and have flexible schedules), even if many of them turn out to be not-so hot. They look at it as at least I’m getting out there. Others do get burnt by the process and often make comments like, ‘If I go on one more bad date, I am going to scream, and this is taking up tons of time and getting me nowhere.’” Then again, when you remind them, sitting at home also gets them nowhere, they tend to come around and concede, ‘I guess you’re right.’”